Decluttering My Comedy Closet: 10 Free Jokes!

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I am decluttering my comedy closet because I guess you could call me a joke hoarder.
So its time to declutter.
Jokes that are thread bare ideas, worn thin or I no longer can get into.

So,  speaking of closets………here’s the first one.

#1.  50 years ago today I was nothing but a kid with a crazy mom cleaning out closets for the Christmas holidays. Now I AM a crazy mom cleaning out closets for the Christmas holidays. What a difference a half century makes.

#2. Note to self. Zimm’s crack cream is for your feet. They could have made that clearer. 

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#3 Nothing is sadder than a man flirting on Linked in.
#4. If a Tweet falls in the forest and no one hears it does it make a sound?
 
#5. My friend Francine brings me a hostess gift every time she visits. Last holiday she brought me a Sushi making set. Which is crazy since she owns the fish and chip place in Napanee.
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#6 . God rest ye merry gentlemen is a carol, not a call for men to sit around and watch a woman do the holiday cleaning.
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#7. When I asked Merle my cleaning lady to wipe out the fridge. ..she says, ‘No comprendez Anglais’ which is crazy she is my cousin from Napanee.

 

#8 Kimmett is Celtic for “dry people”. We’re hydrophobic. The more we age, the more we begin to dread going into water. Around thirty years of age, we get into a swimming pool and say: “Ooh, that’s a bit fresh eh?”  If you ever go into a nursing home and hear an old person screaming:

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“No, no not the bath”, you’ll know it’s a Kimmett.
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#9 In 1986, I quit drinking because I auditioned for a nurse in the Terry Fox Film. I was so hungover they made me a cancer patient.

 

#10.  I have been on one self-improvement jag after another. I  explored The Power of Now like there was no tomorrow. It wasn’t enough to improve just myself — I motivated everybody I met. I motivated my hairdresser so much he became my landscaper. Instead of trimming my bangs, now he trims my bonsai.
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Well that’s enough for one day!   I’ll tackle another pile of good ideas that went nowhere tomorrow.

By the way during my purge: I also got rid of 15 broken  Xmas decorations, 4 TV remotes I had lost  in the nineties.  And my vibrator.  Which,  I gave to Merle (the cleaning lady) so she’d do my oven.

 xo Deborah

 P.S. Next week my special holiday story about the wonderful seniors centre Riverine