I am decluttering my comedy closet because I guess you could call me a joke hoarder.
So its time to declutter.
Jokes that are thread bare ideas, worn thin or I no longer can get into.
So, speaking of closets………here’s the first one.
#1. 50 years ago today I was nothing but a kid with a crazy mom cleaning out closets for the Christmas holidays. Now I AM a crazy mom cleaning out closets for the Christmas holidays. What a difference a half century makes.
#2. Note to self. Zimm’s crack cream is for your feet. They could have made that clearer.
#3 Nothing is sadder than a man flirting on Linked in.
#4. If a Tweet falls in the forest and no one hears it does it make a sound?
#5. My friend Francine brings me a hostess gift every time she visits. Last holiday she brought me a Sushi making set. Which is crazy since she owns the fish and chip place in Napanee.
#6 . God rest ye merry gentlemen is a carol, not a call for men to sit around and watch a woman do the holiday cleaning.
#7. When I asked Merle my cleaning lady to wipe out the fridge. ..she says, ‘No comprendez Anglais’ which is crazy she is my cousin from Napanee.
#8 Kimmett is Celtic for “dry people”. We’re hydrophobic. The more we age, the more we begin to dread going into water. Around thirty years of age, we get into a swimming pool and say: “Ooh, that’s a bit fresh eh?” If you ever go into a nursing home and hear an old person screaming:
“No, no not the bath”, you’ll know it’s a Kimmett.
#9 In 1986, I quit drinking because I auditioned for a nurse in the Terry Fox Film. I was so hungover they made me a cancer patient.
#10. I have been on one self-improvement jag after another. I explored The Power of Now like there was no tomorrow. It wasn’t enough to improve just myself — I motivated everybody I met. I motivated my hairdresser so much he became my landscaper. Instead of trimming my bangs, now he trims my bonsai.
Well that’s enough for one day! I’ll tackle another pile of good ideas that went nowhere tomorrow.
By the way during my purge: I also got rid of 15 broken Xmas decorations, 4 TV remotes I had lost in the nineties. And my vibrator. Which, I gave to Merle (the cleaning lady) so she’d do my oven.
P.S. Next week my special holiday story about the wonderful seniors centre Riverine