One Funny Lady

Starbucks, A dead Nun and an Ex-Hubby

deborah — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:23:45 +0000

This morning I was sitting in the land of Starbuckti drinking my unfair trade macchiato and I was thinking I want to go deeper with my life work. Sure I wrote this essay book and am rewriting the never-ending novel. (its called outrunning crazy and its finally done)

People are reading it and saying they like it.

But of course I am constantly challenging myself to go deeper. But am I helping anybody? I want to serve on a higher level, you know? I want to be like Mother Theresa only funny. I wouldn’t want to live in a hut, or work with anyone that was sick because puking makes me gag. And that got me to thinking about Mother and how she made the nuns live like the poor. They were nuns for gosh sakes. Hadn’t they given up enough already? So that got me all worked up about that dead celibate nun. So I went home and crawled into bed with my husband. But we’re divorced, so his new girlfriend didn’t appreciate that one little bit.

The Dali Lama and Why He isn’t My Bff

deborah — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:45:22 +0000

Dear Diary,

Not a good day. I went to hot yoga to get the creative juices flowing. All that heat activates the creativity in the right brain especially the part at the end when you lie on your mat and nap. During the corpse pose the woman on the mat next to me starts texting, I try to be Zen and breathe deeply. I try to stay philosophical but she won’t stop pinging. I give her my best sad emoticon face. Then she turns to me and says LOL.

I do not Lol.

I’m old fashioned. I say ha, ha, ha.

People use LOL randomly. Your dog is dead, LOL. You’re fired. LOL.

Then I went home and when I went on Facebook only to find out Dali Lama had Unfriended me.

No not a good day at all. (hey look at buying the new book, That Which Doesn’t Kill you…makes you Funnier…Look under SHOP

Never take a Cute Dog to a Photo Shoot.

deborah — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 13:14:20 +0000

Dear Diary

I was in the city promoting my new comedic essay book; That Which Doesn’t Kill You makes You Funnier. The secret to being thought of as talented writer is having a good support bra, the kind that gathers boobs from women in other countries. I’m sure a woman in Sweden woke up this morning and wondered where her chest went. After all that primping and binding the photographer only wanted pictures of me with my dog. Rule number two in showbiz never bring a rescue Shih Tzu to a photo shoot. I got Gus from the pound. When I got him he had fleas, so he had been shaved in the back. He looked like Kurt Russell with a reverse mullet: party in the front and business in the back. Still he’s better than the cat I brought on the last tour. Cats are like drummers on tour. They go Tomming around for three days and then get mad when supper’s not on the table.

Tomorrow hot yoga and how I traded in the mutt for the downward dog.

(diary for National Post week of January 16-2012

LAST CHANCE FOR AMHERST ISLAND WRITING WORKSHOP and its pay-what-you can.

deborah — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 02:17:00 +0000

February 18^th from 10-4 pm, I will be holding my LAST Amherst Island

Writing Workshop.

BECAUSE the writing workshops are having me travel a lot more.

(Toronto Island, Vancouver Island, Peru — yep, Peru!—wanna come?)

Plus in March I am launching a new online writing product called Chip off the Old Writes Block(more on that later)

sooooooo I am AM doing a clear out sale of the ol brain.

And because its the month of love, hence the “Feel the Love” Writing Workshop,

so the cost is………(drum roll please)

…………….. PAY WHAT YOU CAN.( I know you will be fair and do what you can afford.

Deb come on!

Pay What You Can?

Why?

Because its February. The LOVE month and we don’t need chocolate. Or a bunch of roses. And much of my writing flourished on magical Amherst Island where geography and waves influenced this last decade I wanted to share that gift with you.

I guarantee I can get you writing. (Or painting or dancing or just about any other -ing word you can think of. )

Check out what people say RAVE REVIEWS

My workshops generally cost $100 and I offer 30 years of experience as writer, performer, and general all round hambone. You will be entertained and learn many strategies to start you writing, keep your writing, and finish your writing.

You will build your confidence as a writer, creator, and lover (of words). You can decide what that is worth to you through / registration.

Love begets love. So BRING A FRIEND. And bring another friend…and friends of friends of friends of friends of friends. Because its freezing and February and all those other ff words.

There are limited seats available. Reserve yours by emailing info@kimmett.ca ( and then pay with paypal- no credit cards-

Attendees must pay before February 14th, so don’t miss your chance.

The Reviews From Chip Off The Old Writers Block Workshops

deborah — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:07:27 +0000

“Deb Kimmett may be best known as a comic and motivational speaker, but spend a day with her and you may suspect (as I do) that she was actually born to write. Her writing workshop, infused with humour and the wisdom of a lifetime of writing, is a treat for writers at any stage of the journey.” Maureen McDonald Gauld

“Deb’s workshop was a big gift I gave to myself. From the moment she picked us all up from the ferry docks, I was treated to a full day of self-expression, creativity, and the sheer joy one gets from honestly sharing with like-minded people who just want to expand. It was like a mani-pedi for the mind. You’ll love it!” Linda Kash, actress and writer

“For many years, I have attempted to write but always got stuck starting. Your class was amazing. The idea that I could just do it and not worry about grammar or spelling was right on plus all the ideas to make the juices flow have started on a wonderful trip of memory and discovery. Thank you so much! I can’t wait for the next workshop.” Shirley Miller, watercolour artist

“Deborah Kimmett’s workshop broke through a year-long blank that I couldn’t seem to approach. I’d more or less given up on the whole writing idea, but thought it would be fun to visit the island and see what emerged. The island is a very special place, it’s true, but the workshop itself was the gentle magic I needed to allow myself to write again. I haven’t stopped!” Rachel Atlas, French teacher

“When I left your workshop my mind was swirling with ideas. Your reminder to continue to ask “What if ?” about every detail was a strong reminder to lose ingrained assumptions. The day was very stimulating and I can apply the same questioning to my work as a visual artist to enhance creativity.” Linda Williams, sculptress

One Extraordinary Woman, one funny Lady, and An Acadian Canadian Eh!

deborah — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 22:38:54 +0000

In September Shannon Skinner of Extraordinary Women launched her new site.

web TV talk show

http://www.ExtraordinaryWomenTV.com

Extraordinary Women Tv Its an amazing place for great women to show off their diverse talents. Everyone from singers to philanthropists to world leaders come on and get interviewed by Shannon who’s relaxed style brings out the best.

I was fortunate enough to be on her show, and I don’t know if you’ve ever had this happen, but I was running around doing too many things and this interview slowed me down.

If you want to check out the interview it sums up what I believe about comedy, humour, life.

http://www.extraordinarywomentv.com/topics/deborah-kimmett/

And after that Check out Jeanette Arsenault. We’ve been rehearsing her new show I am an Acadian Canadian Eh. Which shows off her amazing voice.

How to Put a Little Ha Ha Ha in Your Holiday Communication Style

deborah — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 11:03:43 +0000

During the busy holiday season, we let our expectations get so high. People are bound to disappoint us. They get sick. They don’t express enough gratitude. Their communication skills are lacking.

Most people listen only long enough to interrupt. It’s like listening has become a competitive sport rather than a chance to exchange ideas.

Here are some tips to make your holiday conversations as smooth as eggnog:

1. Push the pause button.

If tensions are running high, count to three before you respond. This will help you to slow down long enough to keep you from putting your foot in your mouth.

If you are feeling pressured to say “yes,” remember not to get caught up in someone else’s timetable.

Remember, things that seem really urgent are rarely important, and things that are really important are rarely urgent.

2. Slow down, you move too fast.

Remember to stop multi-tasking and tune in for the important topics, even for a few seconds. It can make people feel listened to and cared for.
Lower your expectations. Some people say expectations are a premeditated resentment.

3. Get in sync.

For those important conversations, tune in and sit at the same level. Look at the person you’re talking with…but don’t stare! Try not to look like a stalker — just making relaxed eye contact.
Evaluate the comfort level of your conversation partner. Some people will react to conversation topics differently according to age, gender and cultural upbringing.

4. Stay flexible.

This means letting go of perfectionism. (I know, you’re not a perfectionist. You just have standards.)
Let someone else win once in a while. (Yes, that includes your relatives.)
A good conversationalist knows how to build on ideas and ask questions that keep conversations going

T. H. I. N. K. about your conversation. Is it:

Thoughtful? Honest? Intelligent? Necessary? Kind?

Advice about when to give advice

Did someone ask for advice?
Did someone ask you for advice?

Unclog the toxic energy drains

Some people’s energy invigorates us. Some peoples’ energy is draining. There are some people who you can never please. In fact, the more you try, the more difficult they become.

Call a HALT. Am I: Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? (Or make up your own: Am I hormonal?) Getting a good meal, a good night’s sleep, or just some quiet time can change our perspective.

Once you eliminate toxic people, hang out with people that energize you. When we’re stressed, we often stop doing the things that are good for us, like exercising or listening to music. Fill your energy well with good people and good ideas. Recharge with music and reading or listening to tapes that celebrate the good in life.

Remember: Your mind is like a toddler. Whatever you feed it, it will spit back to you.

EASE POST TRAUMATIC HOLIDAY DISORDER

deborah — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:00:53 +0000

‘Tis the month before Christmas. Visions of holidays gone by dance in my head. ‘Who can forget my mother standing at the bottom of the stairs, screaming, “Everybody up! ‘We’re having company for Christmas. Let’s clean out the bedroom closets.”
Some people call them memories. I call them flashbacks.
Of course, I don’t yell at my kids – because they left home and they are screening their calls. No. I got a cleaning lady and when I ask her to clean she says, “No comprendez Anglais,” which is crazy because she’s my cousin from’ Kingston.
I suffer from PTHD: Post traumatic holiday disorder. Anything can set it off. The sound of the chainsaw being started up in the living room as someone tries to get the base of the tree to fit in the tree stand. My partner standing against the wall trying to get the tree straight, with me screaming, “No, to the left. No, the other left!”
If I hear Silver Bells on the radio, I immediately get a glue gun. I forget about the third degree burns, the finger glued to my cheek, the trip to the ER. I blame this on Martha Stewart. I almost got out of the kitchen when she came along and said, “Come back here and carve the guts out of that cantaloupe and use it as a centerpiece.”
And what’s with the hostess gift? Martha started that, too. I ask, when does the shopping stop! One woman came over for dinner and gave me a sushi-making kit, which is ironic because I was serving fish and chips. But still, you have to put a little thought into a hostess gift. People know when you bought the bouquet of flowers at the Mac’s Milk. In most towns, you could bring the hostess a bottle of wine. But living in wine central, you can’t go to a vineyard party and say, “Here, have a bottle of your own wine.” Personally, I give notebooks so people can keep track of their hostess gifts, so when they re.gift it’ll boomerang back to me.
This year I have a new coping strategy. I chug an espresso and get back into bed for a nap. Twenty minutes later, I wake up bright eyed and bushy-tailed. I call it a “napacinno”. Try it. If you add a shot of rum, you’ll miss the festivities all together. It’s your holiday so, whatever you choose, it’s a good thing.

Give the gift of laughter this Xmas. Put a little funny lady in your loved one’s stocking. books, cds….I am inexpensive….but not cheap.

Never Look a Gift Ho’ in The Mouth

deborah — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:47:08 +0000

Last year, on the twenty-fifth of August, my cousin Francine swished into my house with her Christmas shopping list.
The back-to-school stuff had not yet been slashed. The Halloween goodies weren’t even on the shelves, yet there she stood, her credit card aimed and ready to swipe. She informed me that time was a- wasting. It was time to go holiday shopping.
“Do you want to go in on the gifts this year or do you want to go by yourself?” she asked. “You know how you get at this time of year.”
Francine and I love each other in that blood-is-thicker-than-water type of way. She, however, can’t stand that I don’t like shopping. I’m not a mall-town girl like her. At this time of year, I get present tense. I’m more of a drive-by shopper. I get in and get out. I don’t linger. But she browses. Ruminates over everything. She starts collecting next year’s gifts the day after Christmas. When I say “stuff,” I mean “twee,” which is a British word that means “junk” (with a British accent, it sounds better). A few examples of twee? Frilly potpourri angels. Ring holders shaped like high heels. Potato chip bag clips decorated with rhinestones.
When you open twee, two questions automatically pop into your head: How long do I have to keep it before I can re-gift? and What category of recycling would it go into at the dump?
Francine loves her twee. She can’t go anywhere without it. She arrives at every house for supper with a beeswax candle or a jar of something she just made or saw on The Shopping Channel.
Francine’s twee obsession has gotten worse over the years because she’s trying to emulate Martha Stewart. I love to hate that woman. No wonder she ended up in jail — just to give us all a bit of a break. If I had shared a prison cell with Martha, I would have drawn mustard moustaches on her while she slept.
In my family, gift-giving has been a long and winding road. For a while, we bought gifts for everybody. But we’re a very fertile family, so it became too expensive. Then we started drawing names. Some people started complaining about the names they drew. And by “some people,” I mean me. For five years running, I got Francine’s name. I got her a hot-water bottle. Nymph Glands for your Lymph Glands. She already had one. Another time, I bought her a star. Not a twee star, but a high-in-the-sky star, one I could name after her. It came with a certificate, like a Cabbage Patch doll and at about the same price.
The constellation Francine is a woman running around tearing her hair out trying to find stocking stuffers, because that was Francine’s next bright idea. We all got a stocking full of small things. I suggested leaving the credit card bill in so people would know you spent double the amount that you would have on a really good gift.
Next, Francine introduced the game where could steal each others gifts. You know, the one where you unwrap the present and then the next person in line can take it away from you? Now there’s a game for people with childhood issues. Inevitably, we’d all be teleported back to 1966 when Cousin Jack stole my Malibu Barbie. He had said Santa wanted him to have the doll and me to have the western log house. I should have let sleeping logs lie, because when we were playing the game last year I pointed out that stealing gifts might not be in the spirit of the holidays, causing Jack to leave in a huff. At least I got to keep the napkins he had his eye on.
Finally, we did something sensible. We agreed that Francine and I would do what we do best. She could go to the States for a day of shopping and I could go online for a day of Googling. It was exhaust- ing, typing in that expiry date over and over again, but I stuck with it until my little fingers were about to fall off.
Afterwards, we got together and shared a cup of holiday cheer. A little eggnog and Red Bull to keep us awake while we figured out how much we owed each other. “Now, you bought the Wii game so I owe you $46.98, which is in American money. What is the dollar worth today? And the Mamma Mia! tickets were $138.50, so that makes it $13.25 less I owe you, but did you get the gluten-free shortbread from the Celiacs‘R’Us website?”
In the middle of all the commotion, Francine handed me a card.
“I know we said we wouldn’t get each other anything, but I saw it and thought of you. It’s a gift certificate for a goat.”
“You got me a goat?” That really got my goat.
“Not for you. It’s for a family in a developing country. They get the goat and it helps feed them for a year.”
“Wow.” “Do you hate it? I’m sorry. I can take it back.” “You can’t give people a goat and then take it back. It’s not the
stealing game!” “I mean I have a gift receipt.” “No, Francine. I love it. It’s the best gift you’ve ever given me.” “Really?” “Honestly, it’s perfect.” And I did mean it. In fact, I could feel my
heart growing twee sizes that day. Then a bell rang. Was it the fairy-wing wind chime she had given
me last year? No. The festive cookies I’d squeezed out of a package were done baking. As I watched Francine chew and spit and sputter green dye and icing sugar in my general direction, I realized the old adage is true: You should never look a gift whore in the mouth.
“Now, you bought the Wii game so I owe you $46.98, which is in American money. What is the dollar worth today? And the Wicked tickets were $138.50, so that makes it $13.25 less I owe you, but did you get the gluten-free shortbread from the Celiacs‘R’Us website?”
In the middle of all the commotion, Francine handed me a card.
“I know we said we wouldn’t get each other anything, but I saw it and thought of you. It’s a gift certificate for a goat.”
“You got me a goat?” That really got my goat.
“Not for you. It’s for a family in a developing country. They get the goat and it helps feed them for a year.”
“Wow.” “Do you hate it? I’m sorry. I can take it back.” “You can’t give people a goat and then take it back. It’s not the
stealing game!” “I mean I have a gift receipt.” “No, Francine. I love it. It’s the best gift you’ve ever given me.” “Really?” “Honestly, it’s perfect.” And I did mean it. In fact, I could feel my
heart growing twee sizes that day. Then a bell rang. Was it the fairy-wing wind chime she had given
me last year? No. The festive cookies I’d squeezed out of a package were done baking. As I watched Francine chew and spit and sputter green dye and icing sugar in my general direction, I realized the old adage is true: You should never look a gift whore in the mouth.

(excerpt from That Which Doesn’t Kill you. To purchase:

http://kimmett.ca/products/that-which-doesnt-kill-you-makes-you-funnier-2/

The Debaters TV SHOW

deborah — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 23:55:47 +0000

Tonight, 9:30 CBC TV the Debaters Show –Growly voiced Mike Wilmot et moi, doing a little mouth karate about camping. I am against it and guess who wins?