Well I did it. I am 60. I am aging right before my eyes. To celebrate I am putting on a fall writing workshop with birthday sale prices until next week. And secondly I included 60 jokes I have written over the years. Its like your own laughter lootbag.
I am doing a writing workshop to celebrate another year. If you are a new writer or an experienced one. If want to write your memoirs, a Ted Talk, or just get your creative juices flowing this is a perfect day. Sept 16th, 2017 9-3:30 in Napanee. Lunch included ( and pie) . PLUS its on sale till August 15th 2017. This fills up quickly. Don’t put off your dreams for one more year. CLICK HERE to check it out or see the new writing workshop site)
Now here is that laughter lootbag.
To celebrate my 60th birthday I am sharing 60 jokes I have written and performed over the years. Hope you enjoy!
1) My therapist in order to love my body, I should take off my clothes and look in the mirror and say I love my body. So I started to take my shirt off and she said wait till you get home. Even she wasn’t committed.
2) I wish I was a brain in a jar talking to other brains in jars. You’d never have gas just thought bubbles.
3) I am so pale I wear panty hose under my bathing suit. I tell people I just tan at the top.
4) I got divorced. I don’t have a husband. I have a wasband.
5) Old people should not live with their kids. Imagine if they had to bathe me. That would be a Circle of Life Lion King Moment. They get grossed out if there is a hair on their toast.
6) I didn’t steal this shopping cart. I bought it for a quarter.
7) When the boss says its time we acted as a team, it usually means cut backs are coming.
8) When the boss says its time thought outside the box, you’re about to get more work for no more money.
9) . I am from a hairless people. Under my arms is a bit of fluff that resembles a dandelion about to blow away.
10) When people say “We should get together for lunch sometime”, don’t get out your day-timer. They’re just ending the conversation.
11) By the end of your life you will have played all of the three roles available to you. You will have been a jerk. You will have been jerked around, and you will have worked for a jerk.
12)) Never believe a man when he says, “We’ll just lie down and talk”
13) At 13 boys have the hard drive but the software isn’t installed yet.
14) For his 13th birthday a boy wants Lego and a trip to Hooters.
15) At my age, I don’t want a lover as much as a man who can unscrew a jar of beets.
16) ” If you pull your skirt over you head when you’re a kid, it’s cute. If you do it when you’re old they tell you to get off the stage and go back to your room. ”
17) Some mornings there is a whole cast of characters banging around in my head. A few corrupt banking officials, a guy I dated in my 20’s who still hasn’t given me back the 100 bucks he owes me (good old whatshisname?) and most of the United States Senate. These are just a few of the folks taking up space in my overcrowded brain.
18)Drove by a wind turbine and my Smart Car got sucked up!!
19) Men go to the dump and stand there chatting like they are in the Carribbean.
20) When I was a teen I got it on in a van but my body was young and agile and I had jeans on and so did the guy. In fact the only one half dressed was my Dad who was standing in front of the kitchen window in the underpants, looking out at said van, flashing the lights on and off.
21) Smart cars are like American Beer you can’t get a head on them..
22) I went into Milllhaven Pen for a tour. I didn’t wear an underwire bra in case it could be used as a shiv. I wore three pairs of underpants. I know it wouldn’t help but it would slow things down.
23) During the Millhaven tour I heard the gates close behind me and people were screaming “I need to get out of here.” And that was just from the guards.
24) Then I was out in the yard at Rec time and forced to Suitcase some contraband up my lady satchel, or as inmates call it a loot bag.
25) In the hospital waiting room was an inmate and I guess the woman beside him didn’t notice his leg irons, because she said where are you from and he said a gated community.
26) I am from a medical family. My sister is a dr. my sister in laws are nurses and I am a hypochondriac.
27) Sick people make me gag.
28) I was a candy striper and had to sponge bath an old man and he kept saying a bird in the hand is worth two in the…..I was 14. I didn’t know what that meant.
29) Every farmer goes out of biz. Today the signs say If you ate today thank a farmer. A pretty dumb species to have to put up signs for your food sources. Can you imagine wolves being that stupid?
30) Addicts make promises they can’t keep. When my kids were little I promised not to use disposable diapers. But then I kept a pack around for the car, a pack for the park and a pack for the middle of the night. Before you know it I am up to 3 packs a day.
31) We need more menopausal women in power. Use us as alternative heating source. We could plug our fingers in the generator at night and refuel the heating panels.
32) My dr. says get off the trans fat, I said I need to quit eating salad. That lettuce came 1500 kilometers. Used more oil than a steak.
33) Grocery prices have done up 30%. That’s why they are developing vineyards everywhere. Because people want to be drunk when they see their grocery bills.
34) Half of the world is starving. The other half is watching the Food Network.
35) Polygamy is not a female concept. No woman wakes up and says I think I need 9 husbands.
36) Men are like cigarette packages. The warning is right there on the label. But woman lite them up anyway.
37) Your family doesn’t update their files on you for two decades. Therefore, if you screwed up in your twenties they won’t notice you’ve changed until you are in your mid- forties.
MORE LAUGHTER LOOTBAG
38-50) At your prom Mom and Dad take a smiling picture standing on the stairs,
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Approaching prom with the same denial they will when they drop the same kids off for Frosh week.
All for about the same price!
Now the average Canadian prom costs 820 bucks.
820 bucks for ONE night that usually ends -with the same girl drunk in the parking lot with her hair extensions hanging off her ass, crying,” JASON, left me for a hose head.”
Oh honey. I know Jason’s family.
They are from Napanee.
You dress those yahoos up in a tux but by the end of the night they will be puking on your shoe in the limo.
Those are the kind of guys who will think it’s a good idea to scale the outside wall of the Peachtree Inn at 4 am –outside my room-when I have to get up for work.
Speaking of after party. When did it become okay to put 26 kids in ONE hotel room and hope for the best?
I’ll tell you when.
When prom became the word for promiscuity.
My after party was steaming up a van in the driveway.
While my Dad promenaded around the kitchen in his underpants. ( yes another joke about my Dad’s underpants)
Flashing the lights off and on like Prometheus.
The God who stole fire.
Look I am not the only one who thinks proms are horror shows.
Think Carrie. Prom one two three and IV. (
IV –do you want to have your kid hooked to an IV?
Because that is what is going to happen if she gets pig blood on her head!
Boutonnière is a fancy pants word for carnation.
Carnations what dead people wear.
(Also what some people drink in their coffee in countries –like Newfoundland.)
51-60 . Fitbits.
First off- Fitbits are ugly.
It’s not a piece of jewellery- if it was on your ankle you’d be under house arrest.
Fitbits make people act crazy.
People jump out of bed and start walking around in circles,
Trying to get their steps in.
If a person made you get up and walk around your bed in circles you’d call the Abuse Hotline.
Have you ever seen the disappointment when a person finds out their Fitbit’s died in the middle of a walk?
They just stand there –a lot like when an escalator stops.
Should we go forward? Or should we go back?
Plus, now it tracks your sleep.
I am 59 years old. I don’t need a wristband to tell me I haven’t slept.
I know I am tired when I fall asleep at the wheel.
And who said we had to walk 10,000 steps a day?
Likely the same sadist who thought 6 crackers was one serving.
10,000 steps! That’s insane.
I was a fall down drunk in the 80’s and I only had to do 12 steps.
I am not going to lie.
I did buy a Fitbit.
I was constantly checking it. Because it was never accurate.
I sat in bed and ate chips it said I did 100 steps.
( maybe this joke isn’t necessary) I had sex and it said I had done 3 minutes of Pole Vaulting.
When I had a heart attack when they quit paddling me it said congratulations you hit your goal.