I have been huffing Ventalin since the smoke from the Quebec fires a couple of summers ago.
I don’t know why I was surprised. Quebec has always hated Ontario,
The whole summer it was like vaping poutine-flavoured Gitannes.
I walk to keep myself motivated I bought a dog during the pandemic for the price of a small sports car.
His name is Burt (pause) Reynolds. He had a stuffed toy called Loni Anderson.
They had a terrible break- up mid-pandemic. That’s right. I had too much time on my hands.
Burt is really smart.
Even the vet thinks Burt is much more advanced than he is.
Last visit, she said, “How does Burt want to pay today?”
Burt’s credit rating is a bit shoddy, so I think I’ll pick up the tab.
I love Burt so much. I can’t tell where he stops and I begin. He feels something I feel it too.
When his stomach growls, I feel nauseous.
When he runs around in a circle, it feels like I’ve done cardio.
When he looks for a place to pee so do I.
Sometimes when I hear myself talk about my dog like this, I imagine my grandparents looking down from wherever they are, watching.
They didn’t let their dogs inside.
All their cats were called Tinker.
And they had sub-categories for each of the Tinkers.
One-eyed Tinker.
Tailless Tinker
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.
One winter night we were eating dinner and I heard a meow and I thought to myself, “Oh Sump Pump tinker must be in the basement. As I went to get up my grandmother put her hand on mine and then with the other hand to her cheek so my grandpa couldn’t see, she said, “It’s your grandfather. He meows now.”
I looked over and sure enough every time he opened his mouth a little meow sound escaped. Apparently, something was wrong with his larynx. I have to say as a kid I found having a meowing grandfather was amazing. It was like going to the circus without leaving the dinner table. I started to meow back. He meowed and then I meowed. Then Grandma was barking at the both of us to sop.
I am pretty sure Sump Pump Tinker was outside the door thinking how did those damn cats get in there.
Excerpt from my new show Smoke Show
November 9th Tamworth. SOLD OUT
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