During Covid, I started to online friends better than my real friends. You have to listen to your real friends.

Fake friends, you scroll. You like and place that heart with a kiss in the middle of its emoji and keep moving.

I know Covid was tiresome yet Zoom was great.

On-screen when someone said something dumb, you didn’t have to pretend to listen you can just mute them.

What if your boss says Pivot!? Well, MUTE.

You don’t want the word to pivot ten feet near your body.

And no, my Facebook friends aren’t perfect.

There are some boneheads who ask people to copy and paste some bullshit to make them more popular.

I know there is no algorithm to bypass Facebook so they can get more friends.

I want to say, you can’t get any more friends and the number you have right now is about as popular as you are ever going to get. But, I don’t unfriend them! I mute them for 30 days.

Give them a grown-up time out.

This craving for popularity is a drug that will wear you out.

And those people who try to get off Facebook.

I get it. We all want off. Well want to get ‘clean’ but don’t make a big speech about it.

Don’t be saying “Screw you Mark Zuckerberg for ruining democracy.”

Don’t have everyone send you love and light.

When a person has to announce they are leaving FB they haven’t hit bottom.

Two days later they will be jonesing for some dopamine and skulk back in the middle of the night and post a cat video as if nothing happened.

Why? Because despite our big convictions we are all hypocrites at some level.

We wake up with high standards and by noon we’ve lowered them.

You go into Starbucks and say I want an ethically grown cup of Fair-Trade coffee, and when they say we are out, I say,

Ok, give me the regular unfair trade coffee.

I want to help those little children in Nicaragua, but I’m not giving up my caffeine.

And frankly, I’m fine with being addicted to Facebook. If no one visits me in the nursing home at least I will have my fake friends.

In fact, I’ve decided to hold my funeral on Facebook.

Because if it’s anything like the Facebook birthday it would be pretty darn fabulous!