I grew up in Napanee. I’m not even Napanee famous. Avril Lavigne who came from Napanee? Well she is Napanee famous.
Though she only went to Napanee High school for a couple of years!
I did 5 Avril. And it was a four-year program.
Napanee has a Walk of Fame.
But I’m not on it. That gal from the fishing network is there but not me!
Look. I don’t need to be on the Napanee Walk of Fame to be all right as a person all right?
But having a sandwich named after me at Ellena’s café, is that too much to ask for?
These are my 3 am thoughts that wake me up.
I am in a dead sleep and all of a sudden it seems like this gaudy bleached-blonde disco bitch from the 80′ shows up at the end of my bed. She’s smoking a Peter Jackson’s cigarette, wearing a pink skirt with no underpants, saying, “Wake up Queen of Mediocrity.”
I didn’t invite her in. No she’s like a former roommate who kept a spare key!
And even my successes she turns to shite!
For instance, years ago I was nominated for the GG award for a play I wrote, and it got published and produced all over the country. I thought this is it. I will be in the $.
Then I got a letter from my publisher. And when I opened it, do you know what the amount was for a GG award nominated playwright?
And then they couldn’t issue a cheque for less than dollars!
And that 3 a.m. disco gal says “You’re still waiting for those ten bucks.”
When I gave up artistic integrity and just did work to put food on the table –like that time I went Owen Sound, performed for the synchronistic skaters of Bruce County she does the same thing. I remember being in the arena, putting my lipstick on in that smoky mirror in the visiting players dressing room, watching those ladies on the ice cracking the whip -all in sync—And thought. “Oh I see, I am performing on the ice.” I remember as I was trying to get to the podium, I slid past the blue line in my high heels praying not to slip and the ice and die. And then my 3 a.m. voice sits at the end of the bed and carps, “Would that even make the Owen sound News? That would be the worst obit ever. The zamboni driver having to push you off the ice and wait for the funeral home to come.”
Success? Failure? Our 3 a.m. voice has the ability to attack the past and the future.
“Look even if you did something spectacular right now, you’re going to never be an overnight sensation. You might have even missed the boat on Late Bloomer.”
Don’t you love how that negative part of our brain works? You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Right now as we transition out of COVID my anxiety is worse. I have FOMO and FOGO. Fear of missing out and fear of going out. It seems these decisions seem impossible. ( FOGO will be next week’s blog so make sure to sign up for my newsletter at www.kimmett.ca
So that means I wake up daily with two equal and opposing thoughts. One part can’t wait to get out there and live my life and interact with others. The other part wishes the day would be over so I can get home and take off my bra.
Enjoy this day and when your voice of doubt shows up at the end of the bed, say thank you for sharing but I am not going to listen to you today!
xx Have a great week, Deborah
ON THE ROAD AGAIN.
UPCOMING WRITERS EVENTS!!
Last virtual memoir writing class of the season begins May 29th! 4 Weeks only! Join writers from around the world for this short and sweet session. Last one online till October.
ANNOUNCEMENT: My first in person memoir writing class in three years will be in Gananoque, Ontario at the Gan Arts Centre -on July 7th 2022 139.00. And 10 people only!! Grab your spot by emailing Jo at firstname.lastname@example.org. It’s a gorgeous spot in the beautiful 1000 Islands.